Tuesday, September 30, 2008

You Know You've Had Gastric Bypass Surgery When...

*”I have a date” does not mean you're going out.
*You have baby food in the house and no baby.
* "I'm a loser" is a good thing.
* All of your silverware says Gerber.
* "Welcome to the other side" doesn't include death.
* New clothes fall off in a week.
* You get excited about hand me downs.
* The scale at Wal-Mart no longer says "one at a time please".
* Going bald and getting wrinkles is a good thing.
*Instead of ordering a soft drink you say, "Just water for me, please".
* Hitting the "Century Mark" is actually a good thing.
* You can be touched by an angel and still not be considered crazy.
* When your rear end no longer looks like a mudslide.
* When you get excited that your incision was "only 4 inches".
* When the word lap has nothing to do with a strip club.
* Other women are calling you names behind your back.
* When you are glared at in the plus size department because you don't "belong there".
* When you really don't have a thing to wear.
* You have to prove you are the person on your driver’s license.
* You start being in the pictures not behind the camera.
* You want to hug everyone fat and hand them your surgeon's card.
* You are never parted from a bottle of water.
* When you order a doggy bag at the same time as your meal.
* Being “too small for your britches.”
* When the only way your nipples are where they belong is to roll them up,
position them with your bra and secure with a ponytail holder.
* When you go pick up your child at school and all the other kids say WOW you're mom is hot.
* When you go to the mall and take the first available space instead of circling 20 minutes for one closer to the door.
* You truly are a "cheap date".
* When one drink makes you flipping woozy!
* When you run to the door and don't hear a flapping sound.
* You flip your shirt to show complete strangers your scar.
* Vitamins feel like a meal.
* You go from a 56DDDD to 32AAA in a year and didn't have a breast reduction.
* You've just lost 100 lbs and run into a high school friend who asks "did you change your hair?"
* You can cross your legs... both of them.
* Instead of a Wonder Bra you need a Wonder Where They Went Bra.
* When your obsession from food turns to your scale.
* They no longer call 911 for the Jaws of Life to extricate you from a turnstile.
* No more velcro shoes.
* "Checking for leaks" no longer includes your panties.
* When your stairmaster is no longer used for drying your fine washables.
* Your mother says "You don't eat enough."
* When your doctor looks you in the eye and says "I know you will have success with this."
* Having sex your husband complains that your hip bones are poking him.
* You can wear corderoy pants without igniting a fire.
* When you wave and your upper arms wave back.
* You safety pin your underwear.
* Someone phones and thinks your husband is sneaking around with some skinny mistress.
* You cannot blame the cat for shedding.
* You cancel your Lane Bryant Credit Card.
* 3 Lean Cuisines a week and that's your total grocery purchase.
* The kids wonder what happened to the cake and cookie god…did he die???

4 comments:

Aleta said...

Thank you for sharing these comments. I wish I had the money and the courage to do what you did. You look absolutely beautiful in those after pictures. It's not just the weight loss either, you simply Radiant happiness!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I can identify with SO many of those things! Love it. You truly look great, so healthy and happy!

GingerJar said...

They are starting bariatric surgery at our hospital soon. We had to go for "sensativity" training. My hope is that nurses are as kind to over-weight patient's as they are to their other patients and do not need reminding to use manners!

Great job with the weight loss!

Lilly's Life said...

You look fantastic and this post was hilarious. Beautiful with a sense of humor too. Well done to you!