How do you get back that which is lost? I don't think you can! It's amazing what the human mind forgets, but I am afraid that the heart doesn't. I think that you can only go forward and hopefully the changes will be very miniscule and not affect how you view the world as a whole.
Some things are so traumatic they are never forgotten, the loss of a loved one, for example, is a painful experience you never forget. I have suffered the loss of both my parents and I miss them terribly. Lately, I am experiencing a renewed sense of grief for my mother as I go through a little crisis. I need her to talk to. She would help me see what I cannot. She was my sounding board. Her advice was always right on the mark. I treasured her friendship, she grounded me and kept me sane as no one else ever has. I had to deal with a few crisis during her illness and since she passed and they were doozies. It would be nice to have her here with me again, but only if she did not have cancer and not in any pain.
My dear, sweet hubby is a love and is there for me to lean on, but he only sees how the crisis affects me and cannot see through my pain to the other side of time any more than I can. I can only ride this out and see what the future will bring.
I keep having to be knocked in the head to remember that I am not in control of anything in this life and have to "Let Go and Let God." It is not in my capacity to change the world or anything/anyone in it. I just keep surfing the waves of my emotions. I wish my momma was still here to help see me through.
Warning - Content not for young eyes
5 days ago
2 comments:
Hi Mama
You can talk to me. I understand, I lost my grandma very recently and I just want to talk to her, to hear her voice.
I lost my dad, but we weren't close. He and mom divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old. I was a daddy's girl, up to that point, and could never understand why he didn't call, write or come see me. As an adult I now can see that my mom moved us from California to Oklahoma, and long distant calls were expensive and dad with his 7th grade education didn't feel comfortable writting. He was an alcoholic, and violent with my mom, but never with us kids. I kept in touch with him and did get to see him the week before he died. He was so proud I was in nursing school, and was 2 weeks away from graduation with my LVN degree. I was his only child that had gone to college...
I feel your pain for your best friend. How many times a day your hand must reach for that phone to tell mom about..... or ask mom about....
Times may be hard emotionally right now, but it sounds like your mom gave you a solid base to make good choices. You know, kids break their mom's hearts...then they patch them up again. I know there has been times my mom just has wanted to smack me for my stupidity...I've made horrible choices in my life...especially in relationships. My last relationship before I met Dave, the guy held me hostage, took my money, my car keys, my credit cards, hid the phone cords, took my cell phone so I couldn't call for help, and beat the holy hell out of me. I am a professional...I should have seen the inpending signs of an abuser (alchohol abuse, controlling behavior, alienating me from my friends and family) but I thought it could never happen to me...then I went through denial, then shame. Now I am emotionally stronger and happy.
I will pray for you for whatever your needs may be, hopefully life will get easier.
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