I haven't been blogging like I should. I haven't felt very good lately and I recently found out I have to have back surgery to remove a tumor from my spine. The surgery will be performed on Wednesday, March 29th at approximately 8:00a.m.
I have been feeling kind of sentimental lately, thinking about family, friends and things, and I just wanted to tell my family and friends how much I love them and how much it means to me that they love me and how I appreciate all the care and concern that they have shown me.
I guess I am a little worried about the surgery because of where the tumor is. It is pressing against my spinal cord. Hopefully, it will be an easy matter to remove it with no complications, but if you know me, you know that I am worried just because I worry over everything.
I have made peace about it and have given it over to God, but these niggling little worries just keep cropping up either in my sleep or when I am trying to fall asleep. I have asked God to take this from me, but in the minutes, hours before sleep finally comes I do have worrisome thoughts.
I have been thinking of Momma even more than I usually do since I found out I had to have surgery. You know there has not been one surgery that I have had that she has not been there, right by my side, holding my hand, telling me everything's going to be alright. My memories of her are so dear that I have a hard time coping with the fact that she is not here with me, but it is even more so now with this upcoming surgery.
I don't mean to diminish the life that I am living. I have a wonderful husband that I love dearly. I have absolutely the most beautiful, smart, witty, charming, loving daughter imaginable on this planet. I love living in the country with my dogs and chickens. I love my job. But, anyone who has known me for longer than three years knows that a large part of my life died when my Momma did. I miss her terribly. I wish she were here. She would know just what to say to make me feel better. I can hear her now, "Pull up your boot straps and quit wallering (wallowing) in your problems. There are people out there in much worse shape than you, so get over yourself. You have to make the best of the situation and not drown in self-pity."
Momma certainly didn't mince any words, but even though she told you like it was, you could tell by her look, demeanor, and touch, how much she loved you and that she wanted to take all the worry for you on herself so you could just focus on getting better. There is absolutely not a day (not even an hour) that I don't think about her. My brothers say that some things I say, or some things I do (like how I use my hands) remind them of her. I say, everything reminds me of her.
I am going to try and be a better blogger at least up until the 29th. I may have to be a few weeks away from blogging after that, unless I get my daughter to do my blogging for me. We will see...